I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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