fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
