nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
