I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I am one with the molecules
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
