i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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