my phone needs a breathalizer
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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