I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
