she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
