dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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