And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
