btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
