Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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