I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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