just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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