Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
