just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
