Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
