We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
