I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
