I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
