I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
