Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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