the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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