Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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