Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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