i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
