Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
