And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
