i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
