i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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