Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Randomize
