she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
