Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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