It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
