I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
