can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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