I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
