Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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