besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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