Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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