Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
