its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
So. Much. Porn.
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