I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
