I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You dont lie about slip and slides
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
