I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
