i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She even gives head with a lisp.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Found the puke drawer
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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