I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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