The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
