craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
God I need to hump something, right now.
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