I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
