i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
