i need an iv and a liver transplant
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
