I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
